1. Can you get along with the unknown?
The military will throw your world into an upheaval. Your husband (boyfriend, fiance, wife, whatever) will be taken from you, sooner or later. We had a lot of notice with Shawn's second deployment, which is nice, but that also left a looooong time for the dates to change. One day he's deploying in January, the next day he's deploying in August, the next day he is deploying in May. This slowly builds pressure and stress. You must shrug that off and ignore dates until it's crunch time. Likewise, the same applies to return dates. Shawn has been gone almost a full year now, and return dates have been floating around for months, only to be discarded and replaced with new one. I have no idea when we'll be a family again, and all I can do about it is wait. Shawn's first deployment was supposed to be 12 months, and it ended up getting extended to 22 months. It happens. Oddly enough, this doesn't bother me. It's just the way it is. Knowing your personality is important; if you're the kind of person who gets aggravated when someone is late for a meeting, or if things don't go according to plan, military life will make you nuts. You will be told one thing, but something different will happen. I remember Shawn getting a phone call one night while we were laying in bed, telling him he had to get ready to be flown out to President Obama's inauguration. I don't remember how much time he was given to get ready, but it wasn't much. When stuff like that happens, it's my job as a wife to let him pack, give him a kiss goodbye, and say "See you whenever." Want to know my secret? I love that stuff. It seems all cloak and dagger, just like in a movie. When I want to know Shawn's return date, but it's not being announced yet, I just imagine the plot... the bad guys are listening in on tapped phone lines (usually in a submarine- why? I have no idea, it makes no sense), on the edge of their seats as they try to glean information, and they're disappointed when the intel is not given out. Ha! Take that, bad guys. One of my friends' husbands was deployed for a few months somewhere, and she wasn't even allowed to know what country he was in. HOW COOL IS THAT?
2. Can you handle isolation?
You will feel very alone. In this aspect, I think that it sucks to have my husband be in the National Guard versus the Army or other branch of the military. I would give anything to live on post right now, surrounded by other women with deployed husbands. National Guard wives do what we can to support each other and stick together, but we are scattered all over the state. Living on post provides community and culture, and we do not have that. Perhaps you have a well established community in your home town; family, church, or other organizations. Keep those. There is nothing more lonely than the evening, when the kids are in bed and the house feels empty. When it's dark, and there is no one to talk to, you will need to draw from a strength inside that keeps you from falling apart. If you don't have that, it's not a bad thing. Just be honest with yourself. Most days I have that. Other days I don't.
3. Can you shake off other people's ignorance?
How do other people affect you? Can you let hurtful comments roll off your back? Most people want to be supportive, yet will corner you to tell you all about how they think that this war is pointless, and that having our troops "over there" (no matter where he is) is a waste of money, it's "such a shame", and that they pity you and your husband. That hurts. Sometimes, the only thing that gets me through the day is the extreme pride I have in what Shawn is doing, and the pride that I am serving as a wife. I don't tell anyone that their job is pointless. I think that sometimes people forget: our soldiers are not drafted. They have chosen this life, this occupation. They serve because they feel honor bound, and us spouses have chosen this life for the same reason. Also, no matter how long the deployment is, or how much time is left in the deployment, people will say, "Oh, that's not so bad." Or they'll imply that you can't really live without sex that long, can you? Prepare to have your feelings negated across the board. Just remember that you are part of a very small percentage of population- less than 1%- so there is no way for others to know what you're going through. It's not their fault, they just don't know what to say. Understandable, but lonely. It always helps me to picture kicking people in the junk. Perhaps this isn't the most Christianly way to handle things, but it works for me. I don't actually do it, so...
4. Can you check your pride at the door?
I can't, but maybe you can. Like I said before, people will genuinely want to help you. This can be great, or a pain in your rear. When people ask, "What can I do to help?" it's awesome if you can honestly tell them what you need. I don't like help, personally. I don't like other people in my house, or even around my house. To me, it's a violation of privacy, and it drives me insane when people won't take "no" for an answer. There is nothing more annoying to me than being hooked up to the breast pump and having someone pound on my door. Again, I know the intent is to help, but other people manage to add to my stress level quite a bit. I have to simply take a breather, and ignore that my requests are being ignored. When I actually do want help, my pride interferes. Either I feel like I'll be groveling, or I worry that asking once will mean that the person will insist on helping again, which I don't want. Sometimes, it means a lot to me that I can bring that stubborn jar of salsa to tae-kwon-do in the diaper bag, pull it out after class, and have one of the men open it for me. I can always use some humbling, so this is another annoying positive. Plus, the damsel in distress thing always makes the men feel super masculine. It's just a jar, but you can practically hear the chest hairs growing after one of the guys have saved me from certain salsa-less doom.
5. Can you set aside your fears?
A big question you will need answered is what your to-be husband's MOS is. MOS is basically his job description. Your spouse may have a desk job while deployed, and be in a relatively safe environment (key word, "relatively"). My husband is in infantry, and that's a different ball game. I am fortunate enough to have the ability to remove myself from this. If I couldn't, I believe I would be paralyzed by fear every day. Sometimes there is an unexpected knock on the door, and my ability fails me; I'm convinced for a moment that my husband is dead, and the chaplain has come to tell me about it. Speaking of strange knocks on the door, prepare to be afraid of every vehicle that drives by. You'll realize how very vulnerable and defenseless you are, especially if you have children. The mailman is suddenly a scary rapist, and the man out walking his dog past the driveway is a pedophile. Some wives say that knowing your neighbors can be extremely helpful for this onset of paranoia. Others keep guns. A positive to this is that you will learn to raise your chin in ANY situation. You're stronger than you know, and you will be proud of yourself when the deployment is over. Eventually, you'll start to see the humor in the morbid conclusions that your mind jumps to. Or, you'll just find humor in stupid things. One day while I was precariously balancing on a ladder to hang a bouquet of dried flowers above our patio door, a volunteer from Beyond The Yellow Ribbon stopped by unexpectedly and knocked on the very door I was teetering in front of. It scared the me to death, and I fell off the ladder. It was a pretty loud crash, and I scared the living daylights out of the man who was knocking. As soon as I landed, the bouquet came tumbling down after me and landed on my head. It was a ridiculous mess, and really funny. To me. Not to him, so much.
6. Can you manage $$?
Obviously, everyone needs to know how to do this. It's called being an adult (can I just say that being an adult sucks?) If your husband is full time in the military, I'm not sure how his every day job compares with deployment pay, but I'll take an educated guess and say that deployment pay is better. As for the National Guard, it can go either way. He will either take a pay cut during deployment, or a pay increase, depending on what his civilian job is. Doesn't seem fair for him to take a pay cut to go do something noble, does it? You'll have to get over that real quick-like. Even if there is a pay increase while hubby is deployed, you have to be careful to not adjust to that income. When he comes home, regular paychecks resume with his regular job, and overspending is easy to do. When I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of dishes, diapers, and dog-doo, my temptation is to take the kids out to eat a lot. I just don't want to deal with dinner. That adds up.
7. Can you be a single parent?
Kids are a big job. That's why God created us for companionship; we are designed to parent together. God planned it for us this way so that we wouldn't throw ourselves in front of a bus. Deployments place a fork in that plan. Kids are needy, and so constant... it's overwhelming. My short term memory is completely shot, my house is a mess two seconds after I clean it, the dog snacks out of the litter box, and my body is a jungle gym for three miniature people. It is hard work. However, I am very grateful to be so busy. Keeping busy is key. You might find yourself saying, "I haven't showered in this week" more often than perhaps the mother with a man around, but you'll make it. Your kids will suffer, and it will break your heart. However, they will show you how amazingly strong and resilient they are, and you will be awed at how they cope. You'll have moments of pride, and horrible moments of mom guilt. Really, deployment has nothing to do with that, that's just what it's like to be a parent, amiright ladies?
There you have it, a few little random thoughts to consider. Military marriage is not normal, but it can be wonderful. I consider myself very lucky. Time apart like this makes both Shawn and I realize how important we are to each other, and how much we appreciate what we each bring to the table. You know the cheesy saying, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder"? It's true. After a while, relationships lose that "new" feeling. There is nothing wrong with that, but deployments or separations due to the military allow us to experience that time and time again. Shawn's unit is going to be home soon, and all of us wives/fiances/girlfriends are in a tizzy looking for that perfect homecoming outfit. We're as giddy as schoolgirls getting ready for a first date. That kind of build up is amazing! Granted, you have to live a year without your husband to get it, but at least there is some reward for that. Living this way can be isolating, overwhelming, and exhausting, but I wouldn't have it any other way. If you haven't fallen in love with a soldier yet, this might not sound too appealing. I would walk to the ends of the earth for my husband, so if that means going at life alone sometimes and patiently waiting for him to return, then I will gladly do so, over and over again.
